Friends,
Welcome to Unpacking. If you’ve been enjoying this letter, please consider sharing it with a friend.
Today we’re unpacking the reality that our partners have become our podmates (aka the person we safely live with during the pandemic). Below, we share our musings and then as a *special* Unpacking exclusive, we turn it over to our podmates.
Emily here. My podmate is Greg. He was my fiance when this all started, now my husband, and consistently my roommate. Since March a lot has changed, but one thing has remained constant: we spend nearly all of our time together. We both work from home, so he’s like a coworker. After work, he’s the only friend I can hang out with indoors. Getting to know him in these different roles is fun and rewarding, but it can also be hard to know when to switch from colleague to after-work friend to supportive spouse and back again.
Carrie here. Josh, my husband, is my main podmate. In addition to morphing into my primary work colleague and Friday-night schemer, he has been my childcare co-conspirator for our toddler. The blurring of responsibilities and expectations, coupled with the nearly wall-to-wall amount of time we’ve spent together over the past 11 months, can feel exciting (talk about resetting roles!) and yet unsustainable.
Here’s where we both land on this dynamic: In non-COVID times, what we describe above would be co-dependence. In non-COVID times, one could turn to their IRL coworkers, mentors, friends, parents and siblings. The in-person support portfolio was more diverse. Not so much today. Happy Valentine’s Day, eh?
Right now, we think it’s okay to gravitate toward your podmate as the all-in-one person. We also recognize that not everyone has the option of a podmate and can imagine that comes with a whole other set of questions and realities.
While we’re social-distancing, we want to continue to invest energy and time in maintaining our separate spheres, even if they aren’t as emotionally gratifying now as they were in-person, pre-COVID. Virtual book club or fitness classes, anyone? We think this makes sense out of fairness to our podmates, and to prepare for when we can see people off-screen.
So without further ado, Greg and Josh, please introduce yourselves and give us your takes. How has this experience shifted your thinking on our RELATIONSHIPS?
A dispatch from the pods
Greg: Hello? Is this thing on? Josh, maybe you and I will get to do a Water Cooler Conversation next week. I think pod life has forced us to focus on the little things in our relationship. I make Emily a cup of coffee every morning, which was nice-to-have pre-COVID and essential during COVID. I’ve noticed we cling to the little moments like these: playing with our dog, getting frozen custard at The Dairy Godmother, and going on walks in new places.
Josh: Hi Greg! We haven’t met in person but I feel like I know you from my avid Unpacking readership. I relate to what you’re saying about coffee. We’ve been ordering beans by mail from Café de Leche in Los Angeles, and when you can’t have an in-person cafe ritual, it means a lot to share an amazing cup at home. To the question: I’ve enjoyed the agility that comes from our improvised juggle of full-time childcare and work, it’s kind of like an unending Aaron Sorkin walk-and-talk. Each hour is a choice we make, rather than a choice made for us by our former locational obligations. I think it’s causing us to think more about the bigger picture.
Water Cooler Conversation
Emily: Our essay above might come off as pollyannaish, so here’s a quick acknowledgment that this stuff isn’t just fun and games. See The Strain the Covid Pandemic Is Putting on Marriages and How to Maintain Your Relationship in Quarantine.
Carrie: In the second piece, the “Rule of Four” is new to me. I also get a kick out of the phrasing “positive illusions,” which feels like internal (useful?) PR spin.
Emily: “Romance used to mean putting on lipstick and feeling sexy…Now it’s just showing consideration.” That’s just one of many insightful takes in this WSJ piece, My Covid Valentine: Couch, Takeout, Movie. Plus, some good Valentine’s Day-during-COVID date ideas, just saying.
Carrie: I love that the URL for this article is “my-covid-valentine-couch-takeout-movie,” aka the beginnings of a contemporary haiku!
Carrie: Speaking of lipstick, remember that newsletter we did about Zoom appearances and make-up? Marketplace did a story this week: What is makeup for during a pandemic? It includes this quote: “Oh, I’m sorry, I’m not wearing makeup right now — forgive me,” she said.
Emily: Can someone just tell me when I need to start using retinol cream?
Emily: To our friends and readers who are dating right now, here’s a neat dating guide from NPR. Coordinating personal comfort levels with my own family is mind-boggling enough, so a shoutout to everyone jumping through these hoops WHILE DATING!!
Carrie: Agreed. Major, major props.
Reader responses from last week’s newsletter
“Thank you for the nudge to finally figure out the embroidery kit I was gifted! Also, my partner has a side business and watching him work extra just makes me want to relax extra.” — Alexandra
Relax extra. Don’t have to tell us twice! Thoughts on over-reliance on your podmates? Feedback? You can respond directly to this email.
Your newslettering pals,
Carrie & Emily